Porthos In Search of an Outfit

** THIS IS NOT YET FORMATTED -- SORRY **

PORTHOS

In Search of an Outfit

by Anicet-Bourgeois, Dumanoir, and Brisebarre

Translated/Adapted by

CHARACTERS

Porthos, a musketeer
Coquenard, a solicitor
Jupin, a furrier
Biquet, Coquenard's Clerk
Ursula, Wife of Coquenard
Philomela, wife of Jupin
The play takes place in Paris in the reign of Louis XIII

The stage represents an office furnished severely and in the style of the 16th Century. To the left, a large transept window further back doors left and right and at the far back. To the right, a small desk covered with papers. A large chimney to the right -- to the left near the back door -- a buffet, to the right a table, chairs -- pigeon holes, etc.

COQUENARD
(outside)
Biquet! Biquet!

BIQUET
(outside)
Boss?

COQUENARD
(entering from the right, with a worried air shouting)
Noon -- the stroke of noon by all the clocks in the quarter -- she hasn't yet returned from Saint Mercy, our parish. I must be red with worry.

JUPIN
(entering from the left, looking all around)
Not a human shape.
(noticing Coquenard)
Ah!
(going to him)
Old friend, Coquenard.

COQUENARD
Pal Jupin.

JUPIN
The most powerful solicitor of the Rue Brise-Muche.

COQUENARD
The greatest furrier of the rue Oars.
(shouting very loud)
Biquet.

BIQUET
(who is standing behind him, very calmly)
Right here, boss.

COQUENARD
(pointing him out to Jupin)
My first clerk. I have only this one.
(to Biquet)
Run quickly to Saint Mercy -- find her -- even in the organ loft -- and bring her to me.

BIQUET
Who's that?

COQUENARD
(pushing him quickly outside)
Madame Coquenard, my wife, my better half -- big mouth.

JUPIN
His better half -- he's got a -- what! I take a little trip to Auvergne to direct my harvest of chestnuts. I leave you a bachelor and I return to find you married and --

COQUENARD
Not yet, Jupin.
(with abandon)
There comes a time, you see, when one feels the need to have a companion at your side.

JUPIN
And you've got married.

COQUENARD
Twenty years old -- some money -- and attractive.

JUPIN
(shaking his head)
Twenty years old -- the devil!

COQUENARD
(singing)
Charming age -- the beautiful years of my wife -- have suddenly warmed my winter. I am bursting into bloom -- my soul is green again -- yes -- it's marriage that's rejuvenated me, my dear boy --

JUPIN
(singing)
Oh, rejuvenated.

COQUENARD
(singing)
Consider -- it's quite clear -- alone I'm 40. The innocent child has seen only 20 springs. Since added up the two of us are 60, my half is only 30. Lucky rogue -- I'm just 30 again.

JUPIN
Anyway -- this wife.

COQUENARD
A penitence of the Convent of the Visitation -- whose only relative, an old female cousin -- my client -- made me the tutor before her decease.

JUPIN
Understood.

COQUENARD
The poor little darling was bored at La Visitation -- which the deceased had ordered that she never leave except to enter the control of a husband -- but be it luck, be it fate -- not one suitor appeared -- and so my pupil wouldn't expire of languishing I sacrificed myself -- I gave her my hand.

JUPIN
(with malice)
In exchange for the inheritance of the old relative.

COQUENARD
(sighing)
Half of which will return to a little male cousin -- that no one's bene able to discover yet, despite every effort -- that I propose to make.

JUPIN
Pooh -- perhaps he's dead.

COQUENARD
I am delighted by that thought. I don't wish him ill -- but I quite sincerely wish him that indisposition.
(with good humor)
Not for myself, my God! But for my wife -- who has a taste for economy -- that I am developing -- and whose only violent passion is --

JUPIN
-- for you?

COQUENARD
(giving himself airs)
First of all -- and for a spaniel that I gave her -- he's her little cavalier.

JUPIN
As that of Madame Jupin.
(sighing)
Who is still the woman most on horseback.

COQUENARD
Bah!

JUPIN
Of virtue. She's fasting now -- 14 times a week -- twice a day --

COQUENARD
That regime would aggravate my constitution.

JUPIN
What do you want -- she makes me so happy in other ways -- she is so good to others. Heavens, even while I was in Auvergne, she sheltered on the recommendation of her director a kind of mercenary -- our distant cousin who had fenced -- despite the prohibitions of Milord Cardinal Richlieu and the hardened soldier disappeared without paying her bill of 200 pistoles -- for value received in furnishings --
(giving him a paper)
She -- rather --

COQUENARD
(taking it and reading)
Eh -- eh -- eh -- Porthos, Musketeers of His Majesty Louis XIII.

JUPIN
Philomela wants you to collect it.

COQUENARD
I will.

JUPIN
So he's lodged at the Petit-Chalet.

COQUENARD
I will find lodging for him there.
(places the note on his desk)

URSULA
(outside -- weeping)
Ah, my God! My God!

COQUENARD
Who is it crying like that?

BIQUET
(running in from the back)
It's your wife, boss -- that I just met on the Rue St. Martin returning from the parish.
(he leaves after the couplet sun by Ursula)

URSULA
(singing)
My poor Mimi.
My sweet friend.
My so cherished companion.
When you were ravished from me
I'm left with nothing
Except my husband.

JUPIN
(low to Coquenard)
I compliment you.

COQUENARD
(singing)
As for me, my dear, I'm losing my wits.

JUPIN
It's just that she's charming!

COQUENARD
(singing)
She's better when she laughs.

URSULA
My poor Mimi.
(singing)
My --
(noticing Jupin)
(spoken)
Some one!
(the orchestra stops playing)

COQUENARD
Jupin -- our friend -- for whom I've spoken to you -- but what has happened to you?

URSULA
Alas -- I lost my Mimi!

JUPIN
The devil!
(reflecting to Coquenard)
What exactly is her Mimi -- ?

COQUENARD
It's a name that I gave --

URSULA
-- To my spaniel, sir.

JUPIN
(aside)
Is that dumb -- to give to an animal like that the name of Mimi.
(aloud)
I call my wife's -- Lola --
(aside)
Well and good!

URSULA
He was at my side. The service terminated, I got up - and the red ribbon to which he was attached was no longer in my hand --

COQUENARD
And the dog --

URSULA
Even less!

COQUENARD
I suspected so!

URSULA
I look, I call, I ask around -- useless, my God! No one had seen him.
(weeping)
Dear Mimi, hoo, hoo, hoo --

COQUENARD
(aside)
Why that comedian there is doing me wrong -- I am not sorry that he's lost.
(aloud)
Come on, Ursula, console yourself -- pretty one -- there are still dogs in the world -- right Jupin?

JUPIN
Certainly -- I know some --

COQUENARD
If we don't find Mimi -- eh! Well --
(with effort)
I will make a sacrifice -- I will buy you a poodle or a bulldog much bigger -- less easy to lose -- come Jupin we'll go run after the ingrate.
(to Ursula)
Come on, stop -- if you keep on crying, I won't hug you.

(Ursula cries all the more.)

URSULA
(to Coquenard)
What innocence, huh? She's a treasure I'm guarding.

JUPIN
(aside)
Like his money -- without spending it.

COQUENARD
Till later honey -- we will return with Mimi -- or with another -- that will do tricks -- who will give his paw -- give me your arm, Jupin.
(he leaves by the rear taking Jupin along)

URSULA
(alone)
Another than Mimi -- I only want him -- what do I care about others? Mr. Coquenard will not find him I am sure of it. He's so clumsy.
(desolate)
I will never see him again.
(considering)
At least so long as he doesn't discover him -- that young man who for the last several days was to be found on my way endlessly -- at church -- and who saw my tears and my despair -- he threw himself under the portico shouting to me that he would bring him back dead or alive -- brave young man -- he never failed to be at the services at which I was present -- that's really having piety at the same time as me --

I hope indeed that he succeeds d-- it seems to me that I would love him for having brought Mimi back to me -- and that I will love Mimi even more because it's he who brought him to me.

BIQUET
(outside)
The boss forbids anyone to speak to the lady when he's not here.

PORTHOS
(outside)
Out of the way, kid.
(lit, limb of the law)

URSULA
(terrified)
Ah, my God!

BIQUET
You'll only enter by passing over my dead body!

PORTHOS
(outside)
Well -- I will pass over it.

BIQUET
(rolls through the door at back)
Mercy!

PORTHOS
(stepping over him)
Didn't I tell you I would pass over it?

URSULA
(aside)
What do I see -- him!

PORTHOS
Her!

URSULA
That uproar -- what is the cause?

PORTHOS
(advancing gallantly)
Don't worry, Madame -- he's an animal.

BIQUET
(indignant)
No, not you -- an different one -- more intelligent, more beautiful.

URSULA
(excited)
My spaniel.

PORTHOS
Who I had the luck to brag by the collar -- and but for this imbecile
(to Biquet)
It's of you I am speaking this time.
(to Ursula)
I would have brought him in person to implore his pardon.
(singing)

PORTHOS (continued)
To your tender weeping.
To your good sweet caress.
I bring the lost sheep.
Mimi returns to your knees.
(movement by Ursula)
Can I look on without irritation
When a spaniel breaks a chain.
That so many men would like to wear!

URSULA
(naively)
You want to wear his collar?

PORTHOS
Figuratively - let's understand each other.

Mimi has taken a time to run about towards his kennel or his dog food.

URSULA
Biquet -- go quick, give him his pate --

BIQUET
Excuse me! A solicitor's first clerk -- who --

PORTHOS
(threatening him)
To that pate, Biquet!
(pushes him violently and makes him leave by the rear)

URSULA
(at the peak of joy)
Ah! Sir -- I don't know what to say. What to do -- to thank you for what I owe you.

PORTHOS
Pretty women don't owe me a thing -- ever -- on the contrary, it's I who -- and I always acquit myself.

URSULA
(naively)
Pretty -- me? That's singular -- my husband never told me that --

PORTHOS
There are indeed many things that he probably never told you -- we will busy ourselves with them.

URSULA
(wanting to get away)
Thanks, sir, thanks! Okay -- I will never forget you --

PORTHOS
(stopping her)
You are leaving me -- ?

URSULA
My husband has told me never to talk with a man other than him --

PORTHOS
(to himself)
Why he brought her up very badly.
(aloud)
Stay at least until I have obtained the honest reward that is my due -- a kiss -- oh -- only one.

URSULA
Come back tomorrow, sir -- I will ask permission of my husband today.

PORTHOS
I grant you that -- fear nothing I will take it all on myself --

URSULA
That's different -- then kiss me, sir -- it no longer concerns me anymore!
(they embrace several times)

COQUENARD
(entering from the back, aside)
Bull dogs are way over priced -- I will buy her a starling.
(aloud)
Great God!

URSULA
Mr. Coquenard.

PORTHOS
The husband!

COQUENARD
On the cheek.

PORTHOS
No -- on both.
(kissing Ursula)
Like that, see --

COQUENARD
(furious)
Jesus!

PORTHOS
Now -- it's your turn.
(he grabs him and drags him)
Don't budge.

COQUENARD
(trying to free himself)
Well, you indeed finish? -- Who is this man here?
(furious)
Who are you, stranger?

PORTHOS
(embarrassed)
Who am I -- solicitor.
(gaily)
Hey -- I am -- me --

COQUENARD
Is it possible?

PORTHOS
Word of honor -- let's hug again.

COQUENARD
With all my heart.
(pushing away, and considering)
But who -- are you?

URSULA
(aside)
He intends to deceive my husband.

PORTHOS
(embarrassed)
I am --

URSULA
(whispering low)
My cousin.

PORTHOS
The cousin of your wife. Your wife's cousin.

COQUENARD
(explosively)
I suspected it.
PORTHOS
(aside)
Not me!

COQUENARD
Consequently your name is --

PORTHOS
(embarrassed)
Yes --

URSULA
(whispering to him)
Hercule de Bouillancour!

PORTHOS
Hercule de Bouillancour!

COQUENARD
And you are garrisoned --

URSULA
(whispering to him)
In the province.

PORTHOS
Ah Pondichery.

COQUENARD
And you came with permission -- ?

PORTHOS
No, I came without permission.

COQUENARD
Comment! Now that's my little cousin!

URSULA
Who, as he arrived, brought me back my spaniel -- which he found!

COQUENARD
Is that lucky!
(to himself)
I'll save on my starling.
(suddenly)
Ah, the Devil! And his part of the inheritance.

URSULA
(low to Porthos)
Fie, Sir! How ugly to tell such gross lies to my husband!

PORTHOS
Me?
(aside)
This little woman has a magnificent disposition!

COQUENARD
My God! My God! And here I was thinking you were dead.

PORTHOS
You are very good -- not yet.

COQUENARD
And you're enjoying good health?

PORTHOS
Not very -- I'm never ill -- but I suffer from a great indisposition.

COQUENARD
(joyous)
Ah! Bah!

PORTHOS
Whose symptoms manifest themselves 3 or 4 times a day -- though a devilish appetite.

COQUENARD
(aside)
Come on, got to prepare mourning for him --

PORTHOS
And wait -- a crisis is coming on -- you don't have any soup?

COQUENARD
None at all.

PORTHOS
I accept your invitation.

COQUENARD
But --

PORTHOS
Absolutely no ceremony -- only for me five or six plates or more.

COQUENARD
(stupefied)
Do they feed them all like that at Pondichery -- ?

PORTHOS
As for my apartment.

URSULA
(low)
Sir --

COQUENARD
(excitedly)
I have only two bedrooms -- mine and that of my wife.

PORTHOS
You must fill yours -- I will accommodate myself with that of my cousin.

COQUENARD
Huh?
PORTHOS
(threatening)
God's blood -- would you be refusing hospitality to a member of your family?

COQUENARD
No, Bouillancour, no.
(to himself)
He has a rapier of enormous length.
(looking at Porthos' sword)

URSULA
I am going to give orders for the meal.

PORTHOS
(aside with satisfaction)
Ah!

COQUENARD
(very excitedly)
That's my business --
(aside)
I don't want her to take him at his word -- six plates or more.
(aloud)
Ursula will keep you company, Bouillancour.

PORTHOS
(aside)
Brave man!

URSULA
Not at all! Not at all! First I have to go embrace my spaniel --
(aside)
And put on my prettiest dress for dinner.

PORTHOS
(watching her)
What eyes!

COQUENARD
(watching Porthos)
What health! If he were to catch an indigestion.
(with feeling)
But that would cost me too much to give him one.

TOGETHER
(singing)
Ah, with all my heart I curse the poor relation -- for there he is -- installed in my house with no ado at all.

PORTHOS
(aside)
O happiness I'm becoming the friend of an old solicitor and here I am with no more ado installed in his house.

URSULA
(aside)
Ah -- now I feel a terror born in my heart for here he is with no ado whatever installed in my house.

PORTHOS
(aside)
This relationship I conceive won't go on for long but all the same I'll cling to my cousin.
(pointing to Coquenard)
So long as he's my cousin they take up the refrain together.

(Ursula leaves by the right, Coquenard by the left.)

PORTHOS
(alone)
By Jupiter! I am in the citadel -- bad luck to the garrison! The only way I'll leave your home, solicitor my enemy -- will be equipped head to foot for the siege of La Rochelle -- but hurry up -- the company of Musketeers -- the company of musketeers, of which I have the honor to be a part -- along with Athos and Aramis, my two brothers in arms, my inseparable companions -- leaves this very night. So solicitor, take your measures -- or rather mine --
(sitting down)
"Are you like us"? said Aramis to me this morning. "By God, yes." "Then do as we do," replied Athos. "You know that a Musketeer of the King would be dishonored, shamed -- if he bought especially if paid for his equipment -- if he doesn't owe it to he good graces of a beauty -- Duchess, Marquise, president or bourgeois -- as in the old days knights held in their hands the scarf of some noble Chatelaine -- it's

PORTHOS (continued)
an immemorial tradition in the company of musketeers and God be praised! We are going to the homes the ladies of our thoughts -- Duchesses -- if we meet them, we will leave their places through the great gate completely outfitted -- and if we meet the Dukes and gentlemen their lackeys -- we will leave without an outfit through the window."
(rising)
In one way or another they are sure of leaving. And as for me, for my past -- I am transported to the home of my Bavarian princess.
(looking around to see no one can hear)
Who is no other than the little bourgeois of this lodging whose dog I stole -- so as to get to know her.
(forcefully)
Oh solicitress of my darling, I shall not leave here without being elegantly outfitted -- and by the door -- seeing I haven't been raised to leave through the window -- and it would cost me to change my habits -- let's begin the attack, let's write to this layer's wife.
(sits down at the desk and mechanically takes paper and pen)
What do I see? My signature! I am not mistaken. It's the IOU I gave to the wife of the furrier in the Rue Ours! The beautiful Philomela. Jupin! God's blood -- her claim here -- with a solicitor -- she's avenging herself -- she wants to lodge me in the Petit Chalet.
(shouting)
I demand time -- this paper might get lost -- I'll keep it carefully --
(putting it quickly in his pocket)
Oh, my little solicitress!

URSULA
(entering from the right)
He's still here!

PORTHOS
What do I see! What, my cousin dressed up for me. I'm one of the family.

URSULA
Of the family.

PORTHOS
Nature had sufficed you -- since -- watch me carefully -- nature does things very well.
(singing)
Queen Nature -- charming model of graces and divine attractions. Surely there's no prettier hand sweeter eyes, or finer features -- still -- despite this array by which our lords and entered what it shows, I wager is not worth what you are hiding.
(aside)
What's with me today -- I am full of madrigals.

URSULA
Excuse me -- you are not my cousin, sir! You've deceived my husband. I was completely speechless I let you do it -- but it's over -- get out --

PORTHOS
Me -- get out! You are putting your family out the door?

URSULA
Again?

PORTHOS
What makes you think I am not Hercule, and that the blood of the Bouillancour, doesn't boil in your veins?

URSULA
Come one! My cousin Hercules is small, ugly, red, stupid and he stutters.

PORTHOS
That's too much for one cousin -- and you don't find any resemblance?

URSULA
(with enthusiasm)
Oh, not at all -- you, you are so --
(stops herself)
Get out!

PORTHOS
Ah! Excuse me, your husband invited me to supper -- and that would cause him pain --
(aside)
And me, too.

URSULA
You returned Mimi to me, sir -- every time I look at him I will think of you -- get out!

PORTHOS
(aside)
This cannot end like this -- I lack something.
(they look each other over from head to toe)

URSULA
(sighing)
Goodbye.

PORTHOS
You want that? Decidedly?
(taking his hat)
Goodbye inhuman beauty. I will kill myself without supper, that's all.

URSULA
Huh? You say -- ?

PORTHOS
I was saying my pretty that I left my home, to blow my brains out -- and that it had gone out of my head.

URSULA
Kill yourself! And why?

PORTHOS
(aside)
Here I am in sight of my outfit.
(aloud)
I am a Musketeer of His Majesty -- my company is leaving tomorrow for La Rochelle -- and I cannot follow it. Then as an honest pretext to avoid the call up failed me -- I found one that I thought sufficient.

URSULA
Why don't you go to La Rochelle instead?

PORTHOS
Impossible, dear beauty, impossible! For a musketeer -- it doesn't suffice to have courage, devotion, all the chivalrous virtues -- that I've got -- you must in addition have -- a complete outfit -- and that I don't have.

URSULA
Really.

PORTHOS
I've dissipated my pay in several good works -- I've given so much to the poor that I find myself in no condition to give to myself.

URSULA
Don't you have friends?

PORTHOS
Oh -- I know many ladies more or less well endowed. I could address myself to them -- to the little Hungarian Countess of the Place Royale -- who wishes me well -- but one doesn't accept such services except from the woman that one loves.

URSULA
And you don't love her?

PORTHOS
The proof is that I was en route to heaven when Mimi through herself between my legs -- that animal was unaware of my plans.

I wanted to end with a good deed. Heaven has rewarded me -- goodbye!

URSULA
You are going?

PORTHOS
To cut the thread of my life -- goodbye!

URSULA
(excitedly)
And if you had an outfit?

PORTHOS
I wouldn't cut anything at all -- but with this suit one can only go to the next world -- goodbye.

URSULA
(holding him)
Wait -- you will go to La Rochelle.

PORTHOS
What do I hear -- ! Your husband allows you.

URSULA
I have money -- lots of money that Mr. Coquenard gave me, on the condition of not spending it without his permission -- I will ask him for it later -- as if for --

PORTHOS
As if for the kisses to come.
(aside)
She's a treasure -- of innocence -- this little solicitress!

URSULA
Will you accept?

PORTHOS
God's blood -- yes, I accept -- with both hands.
(aside)
I've got my outfit -- long live the bourgeois ladies!

URSULA
(after having reflected)
You accept -- then you love me?

PORTHOS
(aside)
Huh? She's right.
(aloud)
Yes -- with love -- the most lively love.
(aside)
I really owe her that.

URSULA
With love? Not like my husband, right?

PORTHOS
Ah what a difference -- there's nothing in common -- sine I've seen you -- I've never looked at anyone else.

URSULA
(aside)
He's like me.

PORTHOS
I've dreamt of you every night.

URSULA
(aside)
Like me.

PORTHOS
With you.

URSULA
(aside)
With him!

PORTHOS
From that day, my Hungarian Countess seemed ugly to me.

URSULA
(aside)
Like my husband does to me!
(aloud)
But I love you also?

PORTHOS
That wouldn't astonish me at all.

URSULA
I don't see any harm in it -- for when I married they told me -- don't love anyone, like your husband -- and as I don't love you in the same manner at all --

PORTHOS
That's perfectly reasoned.

URSULA
What joy! Mimi can get lost now -- it's all the same to me.

PORTHOS
(aside)
I've supplanted the spaniel -- that's very flattering --

URSULA
You will have a magnificent outfit -- I intend that you will do honor to the king -- but now I thin of it -- it is necessary that you leave?

PORTHOS
Oh -- but I will return -- constant and faithful -- like Mimi -- if I am not killed, of course.

URSULA
(terrified)
Killed! Then they're righting at La Rochelle --

PORTHOS
Twenty-four hours a day -- the rest of my time will be yours.

URSULA
And it's to go fight that you want this outfit?

PORTHOS
Not for anything else.

URSULA
Then you shan't have it!

PORTHOS
Huh?

URSULA
You cannot leave.
PORTHOS
Huh?

URSULA
I don't want you to be killed.

PORTHOS
Perhaps I will only be wounded.

URSULA
Wounded -- what horror! You will stay here -- you'll learn to be a solicitor -- I will have Biquet kicked out and you will replace him.

PORTHOS
Replace Biquet! You are too good.

URSULA
Instead of a uniform, I am going to bring you my husband's new suit.

PORTHOS
But he won't like that.
(aside)
Nor will I.

URSULA
You will stay here -- I wish it.

DUO

PORTHOS
(singing)
No -- in accordance witch your wishes -- I cannot -- really cannot remain around here.
Valiant musketeer that I am, I'd rather die 100 times in battle than remain around here.
Near your gorgeous eyes.

URSULA
Stay I say!
Forever around here.
Forever under my watchful eye.
Stay like a brother.
Do you really prefer to die in battle
Than live well around here?
Isn't it better?
If my husband, who never gets to leave town
Should go run an errand.
Near me you will keep his place -- that will be so much fun -- for him!

PORTHOS
(allowing himself to be led)
(speaking)
And for me, too.

REFRAIN - TOGETHER
Stay, I say! etc.

PORTHOS
What a happy destiny
Forever around here
Forever under her watchful eyes.
(singing)
Stay like a brother
Is it so glorious
To go to war?
To live well around here -- wouldn't be better?

(Ursula leaves by the left.)

PORTHOS
(alone joyfully)
Oh! Yes -- God's blood -- to live around here -- under her watchful eye -- that would be 1,000 times better.
(interrupting himself)
Huh? What's this? What is it you are saying there coward? I'm looking for an outfit and this ingenue of a solicitress is offering me the dress of a petty clerk! Me, Porthos -- the friend of Athos, and Aramis to replace Biquet!
(bowing as if she were there)
Madame -- you love your relatives too much. I indeed have the honor to present you my respects.
(going to leave)

BIQUET
(entering from the back with a covered basket -- bumps into Porthos)

PORTHOS
Watch yourself -- clown!

BIQUET
(knocked over)
Do you intend to leave the way you came?

PORTHOS
Hey its that poor Biquet -- hello, Biquet you don't have a good hold on things here -- my lad -- and if I was ambitious -- but don't worry, I'm not -- goodbye, Biquet.

BIQUET
What -- sir -- you are leaving? And the supper?

PORTHOS
The supper?

BIQUET
I have it in this basket.

PORTHOS
(aside)
Indeed, if I were to sup? I'd really like to sup -- let's eat.
(aloud)
Biquet! Here, Biquet! Tell me Biquet -- do they eat well, your solicitors?

BIQUET
Yes, sir -- when we have company -- but the boss never invites anybody.
PORTHOS
What's in there?

BIQUET
Ah, sir ! A repast to mortify a Bigshot. First of all, a haunch of mutton that the boss had second hand.

PORTHOS
Second hand?

BIQUET
Yes, it came from the leftovers of the Alderman -- moreover, a quite fresh stockfish, some chick-peas, some hazel nuts and cheese.

PORTHOS
Cheese and chick-peas! God's blood -- throw all that in the street for me.

BIQUET
Sir -- what do you mean?

PORTHOS
(taking the basket)
What do I mean? You're going to see!
(opening the window and throwing the basket)
There, like that.

BIQUET
Ah, God almighty! And the haunch of mutton?

PORTHOS
It will be a passible bargain for the stray dogs -- here, Biquet, your voracity interests me, and I intend to make you taste a Musketeer's collation -- you know Mignot the restauranteurs?

BIQUET
(with a sigh)
By reputation only.

PORTHOS
(writing on a notebook that he pulls from his pocket)
You are going to tell him to bring the meal whose menu is written her e-- order for a dozen.

BIQUET
But there will only be four.

PORTHOS
Well! When, there's enough for a dozen -- there'll be enough for four.
(giving him the note)
Here, my lad -- this is how musketeers sup.
(sup)
When they sup.

BIQUET
But sir -- who will pay for all this?

PORTHOS
Don't worry -- it won't be you.
(aside)
Nor me --
(aloud)
Go -- run.

BIQUET
Yes, sir -- long live the musketeers! I've been in fear of dying of starvation.

PORTHOS
Now you will be sure of dying of indigestion -- it's more fun!

(Biquet leaves by the back running.)

PORTHOS
Ah, indeed -- it's even worse in this barracks than at La Jupin's! Yuck -- How stingy the bourgeois are! What! When Athos and Aramis bathe in waves of velours and silks -- I wade about in cotton and bear shins! A cavalier built -- shaped and sculpted like me! After supper, I am going to the Louvre -- to Queen's Court -- and look out -- the First Duchess that passes before my eyes -- I'm gong to carry her off!

PHILOMELA
(entering from the back)
Mr. Coquenard, if you please.

PORTHOS
(recoiling)
La Jupin!

PHILOMELA
Mr. Porthos here!

PORTHOS
(aside)
Ah -- God's blood -- I'm going to give her what for.

PHILOMELA
(______ him)
So I've finally found you.

PORTHOS
Yes, but to run me.

PHILOMELA
What are you saying?

PORTHOS
I say that reclaiming my rank and my dignity, I've broken with merchants, law clerks, and __________ of both sexes. I say that like Jupiter, I remount to Olympus to bathe in ambrosia.

PHILOMELA
Oh -- really! And your Olympia is in the Rue Buse-Miche!

PORTHOS
Stop there -- I came here at your ___________ sweet Colombe. I wanted to pay these 200 wretched pistoles into the hands of the solicitor, Coquenard, which you were going to have him pursue me for -- a noble and generous proceeding which indeed smells of the Rue Ours?

PHILOMELA
You know -- !

PORTHOS
Ah -- that's the way furriers act!

PHILOMELA
(embarrassed)
I confess it -- I gave way to a momentary feeling of spite -- but I came to Mr. Coquenard to withdraw, unknown to my husband the action ______________. Look, let's make peace, Mr. Porthos, give me your arm and escort me back home -- I will present you to Mr. Jupin.

PORTHOS
(in a melancholy tone)
It's too late Philomela -- in despair over your cruelty, I left my home to blow out my brains.

PHILOMELA
Oh heavens.

PORTHOS
(aside)
This is the second time I was going to blow 'em out today.
(aloud)
When destiny cast into my arms a Princess.

PHILOMELA
What are you saying?

PORTHOS
I mean the Spaniel of a Princess.

PHILOMELA
Of a Princess!

PORTHOS
Bavarian by birth and widow of a Palatine -- I was hesitating still between her and you, proud J____ -- but the noble -- Raminska made me understand that a gentleman can no longer accept room and board under the roof of a little merchant's wife -- that it was compromising to me -- degrading to me -- she said it!

PHILOMELA
The insolence!

PORTHOS
And that first of all it was necessary to reimburse you for the 200 pistoles that --

PHILOMELA
Pay me! You don't owe me anything.

PORTHOS
(aside)
Bravo! I hit the mark.
(aloud)
Still this note I found here --

PHILOMELA
(tearing it from his hands and throwing it in the chimney)
There -- the fire's not up.

PORTHOS
(aside)
Eh! Eh! This enough like a Duchess.

PHILOMELA
Not being a widow and of a Palatine, and lodging in the Rue Ours one can still throw away a few hundred pistoles -- first of all I must warn you that Mr. Jupin is a man inflated with vanity -- and then he's a man of character -- when I tell him do this -- do that -- nothing in the world will prevent him from doing it.

PORTHOS
Zounds! What a dancing chap!

PHILOMELA
You were his guest. He won't allow you to be carried off -- he will indeed prevent you from returning to your Bavarian's place.

PORTHOS
To betray my princess!

PHILOMELA
I wish it.
(catching herself)
Mr. Jupin wishes it.

PORTHOS
Alas my heart is of the same opinion as Mr. Jupin -- but gratitude.

PHILOMELA
Gratitude? What do you owe this Princess?

PORTHOS
First of all -- many little things -- that you refused me --
(hesitating)
Then I had the weakness -- man is so weak --
PHILOMELA
You had the weakness --

PORTHOS
To accept the offer of an outfit.

PHILOMELA
Of an outfit -- ah! I know -- your habits are known -- your musketeers habits - it's necessary, to flatter your vanity that an outfit be a woman's homage to you -- go away -- you are vainglorious.

PORTHOS
It's true we are a company of fops.

PHILOMELA
There are duchesses who've spoiled you -- as for me, I am only a bourgeois -- I don't give a thing.

PORTHOS
(resigned)
You've accustomed me to that --

PHILOMELA
And this princess offered you --

PORTHOS
A uniform of red cotton.

PHILOMELA
Nice present, my word! Mr. Jupin will give you one velour --

PORTHOS
Come on!
(aloud)
What's more a ____________ with silver brocade baldrich.
(cross belt)

PHILOMELA
Of silver? Mr. Jupin will do better -- you will have gold brocade --

PORTHOS
(aside)
Keep going!
(aloud)
What's more a roman horse.

PHILOMELA
Some starved worn-out nag! Mr. Lupin is knowledgeable in horses -- you will have a superb Spanish jennet.

PORTHOS
(aside)
Keep it up.
(aloud)
What's more --

PHILOMELA
You will have it -- but why this outfit?

PORTHOS
(aside)
Plague! Let's not tell her that it is to go to La Rochelle.
(aloud)
Tomorrow the king will pass in review his Company of Musketeers and --

PHILOMELA
And I intend that you be brilliant like a sun at this review. I will go to see you pass -- that will please Mr. Jupin.
(turning toward the little desk and getting ready to write)
Wait! Wait!

PORTHOS
(aside)
Ah! I have my outfit --
(singing)
What a change --
See thanks of me
What grandeur
pride - nobility
In a bourgeois as well as a King
And with a quick word I made her
a Duchess.
As for the husband
-- By God, I swear
Here and now
To make something of him --

Ursula enters from the left carrying a black suit which she places on a chair near a small table.

URSULA
Cousin, here's your new clothes.

PHILOMELA
(rising)
Huh?

URSULA
(without seeing her)
And I'm fixing up Biquet's room for you --

PORTHOS
(low)
Let's go wife of Jupin -- let's go.
(vainly trying to drag Philomela away)

URSULA
(aside)
Someone's here.

PHILOMELA
(looking from the uniforms to Ursula and back)
Would this be your handsome uniform and your Bavarian Princess?

PORTHOS
It's a mistake, wife of Jupin -- let's go --

URSULA
Who's this woman?

PHILOMELA
This woman's worth more than you, I think -- and first off -- who are you, honey?

URSULA
Ursula Coquenard.

PORTHOS
(aside)
Watch for the grenade!

PHILOMELA
The little solicitress! You sacrificed me to a solicitress?

URSULA
Might you be the Hungarian Countess?

PHILOMELA
Countess of the Rue Ours -- as you are Palatine of the Rue Brise-Miche -- I am Philomela Jupin -- and no one mocks me with impunity.
(to Porthos)
Let's leave.

PORTHOS
Yes -- let's go.

URSULA
(to Porthos)
Stay.

PORTHOS
(aside)
This is becoming interesting.

PHILOMELA
By what right, honey -- do you pretend to keep the gentleman.

URSULA
The gentleman is my cousin.

PORTHOS
It's true -- yes -- I am her cousin.

PHILOMELA
But he's mine, also --
(to Ursula)
And yet I don't think I'm of your family.

PORTHOS
Why's that? All the Graces are sisters -- you must be at least cousin-________.
(aside)
I've got it!

PHILOMELA
Shut up, scoundrel -- I intend to confound this little -- the proof, honey -- the proof that he's your cousin -- ?
URSULA
Why -- that my husband received him.

PHILOMELA
That only proves your husband is an imbecile -- we knew that already.

URSULA
What tells me he is your relative?

URSULA
Everyone knows my principles -- and that no one but a close relative would I let touch the end of my glove -- Porthos kiss my hand!

PORTHOS
(aside)
Come -- La Jupin must not be given the lie.

URSULA
You take him thus? My cousin, embrace me -- like this morning.

PORTHOS
(aside)
Nor the little Coquenard either --

URSULA
On my face.

PHILOMELA
What a horror!

PORTHOS
A cousin -- it's quite innocent -- and then you want proof -- we'll give you some --
(he embraces her)
That's what it is.

PHILOMELA
You're pushing me to the limits -- my cousin -- kiss me on the cheek.

PORTHOS
(aside)
Ah, why this amuses me very much at the moment.
(he kisses and embraces her)
Solid as a rock!

URSULA
On both cheeks, my cousin!

PORTHOS
(aside)
Fine with me.
(he kisses her)
Soft as satin!

PHILOMELA
Watch out! I won't give in, I warn you of that.

URSULA
Me neither! I tell you in advance.

PORTHOS
(aside)
Bravo! Here we have the prude and the ingenue launched.
(fighting)

(The women stop, undecided.)

PORTHOS
(singing)
Why - what's stopping you? It was going so well -- what?

Are you leaving the test unfinished?

URSULA & PHILOMELA
(singing)
But --

PORTHOS
(singing)
But what? I'm submitted to it gaily, this charming game pleases me, yes -- surely.

Luckily, I keep all the winnings for myself.

URSULA and PHILOMELA
(singing)
But our husbands?

PORTHOS
(singing)
Damn! There are two to --

COQUENARD
(outside)
Ursula!

URSULA
My husband.

PHILOMELA
Good -- I'm going to tell him.

JUPIN
(outside)
Philomela.

URSULA
Very fine! He's going to know everything.

PORTHOS
(throwing himself between them)
Foolhardies! What are you going to do? Just now I was everybody's cousin -- would you now have me be no one's cousin -- ? First of all -- I don't take it on myself to convince these gentleman.

PHILOMELA
(after a silence)
Madame Coquenard.

URSULA
Mme. Jupin?

PHILOMELA
(offering her hand)
I won't speak except after you.

URSULA
(giving it to her)
Be quit, I'll shut up.

PORTHOS
(taking both hands)
That's it -- we'll arrange the affair in the family.

(Coquenard and Jupin enter from the rear, each carrying a pot of cloves.)

JUPIN
The porter was right! Philomela was here with your wife -- they have gotten to know each other.

PORTHOS
They adore each other all ready!

COQUENARD
Jupin, I present to you Mr. Hercule de Bouillancour! Cousin of my wife --

PHILOMELA
Oh! If I don't control myself.

PORTHOS
(low)
Control yourself wife Jupin!

JUPIN
(low)
The cousin whose death you fancy?
(he bows)
Sir -- your health is good? Pretty one, I thought of you -- a pot of yellow cloves -- your favorite flower.
(he puts it by the chimney)

COQUENARD
(to Ursula)
I didn't want to be behind in gallantry I adore bear's ear -- but Jupin told me that the clove had the best air -- so I took the clove -- how this yellow plant gets in my way --
(he puts his pot on a round table near the transept)

JUPIN
Philomela -- we are dining here -- Coquenard invited me.

COQUENARD
(aside)
Actually, he invited himself --
Well, my dear Hercule! I've learned that the musketeers are leaving tomorrow for La Rochelle.

THE TWO WOMEN
(aside, with chagrin)
Tomorrow!

COQUENARD
Tonight we'll drink the parting toast.

JUPIN
The company will be dressed brand new -- you also must have a luxurious outfit.

PORTHOS
(striking him on the shoulder and smiling)
Yes, I expect it.

COQUENARD
(calling)
Biquet! The dinner -- quick -- Jupin -- we're still going to set the table.
(they arrange it)

URSULA
(to Porthos)
I will tell my husband tonight that you are changing your condition -- and you will stay here.

PORTHOS
(low)
Yes -- dear angel --

PHILOMELA
(low)
You won't got to La Rochelle -- and you won't stay here.

PORTHOS
(low)
No, Philomela.

COQUENARD
I don't know here that Biquet is. Ursula, lay the table.
URSULA
(annoyed)
With pleasure.
(returning)
Madame Jupin really wants to help me.

PHILOMELA
(annoyed)
Certainly.

(The Coquenard and the Jupins open the buffet alternatively and take all they need to lay the table and do so.)

PORTHOS
(aside)
Goodbye my outfit and La Rochelle! But by jove love will pay for Glory -- first of all it's necessary to make peace with each of them and obtain a rendezvous -- but how to speak with one without the other? Suppose I were to write -- ? Yes -- that's it. During the supper I will find a means to --
(runs to the desk and writes)

JUPIN
You are writing, Musketeer?

PORTHOS
Yes, to two of my friends.
(aside)
What signal?
(seeing a pot of flowers by the chimney)
Ah -- those flowers -- I've got it.
(he writes excitedly)

BIQUET
(entering from the rear with plates containing several large servings)
Boss -- heres' the dinner.

COQUENARD
(stunned)
What's all this.

BIQUET
It's only the first service.

COQUENARD
(jumping at his throat)
Why hangman! Who ordered all this?

PORTHOS
(leaving the desk)
Me.

COQUENARD
And who will pay?

PORTHOS
You.

JUPIN
That's fair.

COQUENARD
(aside)
Oh -- if you don't leave tomorrow!

PORTHOS
Let's go to table! In my capacity as cousin and guest, I take my place in the middle -- Madame Jupin at my right, Madame Coquenard at my left.

PHILOMELA
(aside)
Beside her -- oh! Not at all --
(aloud)
That's it.
(pointing to the extreme left)
Madame Coquenard over him --

URSULA
(aside)
Ah -- oh, yeah!
(aloud pointing to the extremity at the right)
Madame Jupin here.

PORTHOS
It's indeed all set?
(as they go to take their chairs he places a note under Ursula's plate, and another under Philomela's)

ALL
Yes -- yes.

PORTHOS
Come -- let's sit.

ALL
(sitting and singing)
Lovely day
Hurry to eat --
This moment
Is charming.
We're going to have
Good cheer.
It's the best
Around here.
(tremolo by the orchestra as the chorus takes up the refrain)

JUPIN
(aside)
She's really quite pretty, the little Coquenard.
(aloud)
I make a proposal -- Coquenard suppose we swap? At supper of course -- between husbands you swap.

COQUENARD
(with ____)
It's all the same to me!

PORTHOS
(aside)
May the devil take him!

PHILOMELA
(offering her place and taking Ursula's)
What then -- Madame?

(Porthos rises with the intention of taking the notes back but Coquenard and Jupin each seize him by the arm and make him sit despite himself.)

URSULA
(offering her place and taking that of Philomela)
With the greatest of pleasure.
(she unfolds her napkin, finds the letter and hides it rapidly, feigning a cough)
Hum! Hum!

PORTHOS
(aside)
The little Coquenard covered it with her hand.

PHILOMELA
(unrolls her napkin and the letter falls out. She covers it rapidly with her foot)
What do I see?

PORTHOS
(aside)
In Jupin's going to explode.

URSULA and PHILOMELA
A letter from him to me.

PORTHOS
(aside)
The storm gathers, the wave is going to burst -- if I were to go set a place outside -- save yourself if you can.
(he furtively slides his chair on its wheels near the door at the back and squirms out)

THE CHORUS
(refrain)
Lovely day, etc.

JUPIN
(intending to drink with Porthos)
Well -- where the devil is the musketeer?

COQUENARD
(calling very loud)
Bouillancour! Bouillancour!

URSULA
(aside)
This must be a trick -- what could his write me?
No way in front of everyone.

PHILOMELA
(aside)
He's perfuse asking me for a rendezvous -- he's gone to wait for me. But what to do for --
(suddenly with inspiration and disguising a smile)
Ah, Mr. Jupin -- what is wrong with you?

JUPIN
I have the plan of supplanting the musketeer after this magnificent Capon.

PHILOMELA
(pretending to be frightened)
Why you are not well! You're red like a lobster. Mr. Jupin you must take some air and return home --

JUPIN
But --

PHILOMELA
Mr. Jupin -- I tell you that you frighten me -- your eyes are like burning coals.

URSULA
(joyfully aside)
If he could be made to go.
(aloud)
The fact is Mr. Jupin has a really bad appearance.

JUPIN
(letting his fork fall)
Do I decidedly look ill?

PHILOMELA
You are terrifying.

COQUENARD
He ate too much!

JUPIN
I was just beginning --

COQUENARD
(aside, pushing up the capon)
You will never finish.

PHILOMELA
Come on, let's go Mr. Jupin.

URSULA
(with a secret joy)
Yes, leave, Mr. Jupin.

JUPIN
(very troubled)
But -- my cane? My hat?

PHILOMELA
Here it is.

URSULA
There it is.

JUPIN
My pot of cloves.

BIQUET
(giving it to him)
Is that it?

PHILOMELA
Yes -- yes -- Biquet, my friend support Mr. Jupin until he's down.

JUPIN
(very moved)
I'm beginning to believe that you are right. I would really like to be home.

TOGETHER
(Coquenard, Philomela and Ursula)
What an appearance. How ghastly he is --

JUPIN
It must be a fever preying on me.

ALL THREE
It's a fever. Go quickly to bed.

JUPIN
It's a fever preying on me. I must hurry --

(He leaves by the back with Philomela and Biquet.)

COQUENARD
(stupefied)
Ah, indeed, what could make poor Jupin ill? It can't be the capon he was going to eat.
(looking around and nothing the flower pot on the table by the window)
Ah -- I've got it -- it's this abominable yellow clove -- wait, wait --
(he places the flower pot on the ledge of the transept which he opens)

URSULA
(who has read the letter -- exploding)
Philomela! This letter was for Philomela! These protestations of love -- this rendezvous for Philomela! Ah! What horror -- !

COQUENARD
(returning)
Huh? What's wrong?

URSULA
(without paying attention to him)
Oh -- I won't stand for it.

COQUENARD
What's the matter? Huh?

URSULA
(excitedly)
Mr. Coquenard.

COQUENARD
No -- we are along -- call me Theodule -- you know?

URSULA
Mr. Jupin is your friend, right?

COQUENARD
For the last 19 years.

URSULA
If he were running a great danger you would try to save him, isn't that true?

COQUENARD
If I could without exposing myself, I don't say --

URSULA
You run no risk.

COQUENARD
Why then I will brave all for him!

URSULA
(gives him the letter)
Read!

COQUENARD
Oh -- heavens! A letter from Bouillancour to Philomela! The rogue to give her a rendezvous! The bandit proposes for the signal -- the flower pot in the window!
(exploding)
There -- what was I saying -- ! I really knew that yellow clove.

URSULA
It's really a question of --

COQUENARD
Jupin's confidence in that flower will ruin him! But what the devil do you want me to do to save the wretch?

URSULA
(impatiently)
Eh, sir -- you ought to know that better than I.
(as he rereads the letter, aside)
Ah, I've got it! Mr. Porthos will go to La Rochelle.
(she goes out quickly through the door at the left)

COQUENARD
(seeing her leave)
Ursula! She's leaving me without an idea -- I am empty of 'em.
(rereading)

COQUENARD (continued)
Beautiful Philomela - put your husband to bed early --
(rereading)
Beautiful Philomela -- put your husband to bed early --
(indignant)
Ah! At 10 o'clock I will come -- if I see in your window the flower pot. Ah, the gallows bird! But what to do? If I -- yes, let's take my hat and my cane -- from here to Jupin's I'll think of something on the way.
(as he leaves he bumps into Jupin who enters from the back)
Oh!
JUPIN
Ah!

COQUENARD
It's him! Ah, my God! How breathless you are -- you're no longer sick?

JUPIN
When I got back home, my wife gave me the most satisfying news bout my health. It seems that at present I'm very well.
(changing tone)
But soon after -- she made me privy to more sad news --

COQUENARD
Bah!
(they look at each other with compassion -- then each hides behind his back a letter in his hand)

JUPIN
I left my home running in search of an idea.

COQUENARD
Heavens! I was going to leave with the same object.

JUPIN
And I found one on my way.

COQUENARD
I was going looking for one in the same place.
(aside)
Poor friend.

JUPIN
(aside)
Poor devil! Ah!

COQUENARD
(extending his hand)
Jupin, my friend! What did you do with your pot of cloves.

JUPIN
(negligently)
I put it near my bed -- on some adjacent furniture.

COQUENARD
He persists in his blindness.

JUPIN
And you Coquenard, what have you done with your vase of flowers?

COQUENARD
Oh! Me -- cannot smell that plant -- I put it outside on my --

JUPIN
(aside)
Ah -- the unhappy fellow! He's given the signal.
(sighing very deeply)
Ah!

COQUENARD
What's wrong with you, Jupin? That's the second time you've signed deeply.

JUPIN
Oh! Nothing, nothing -- it's a habit that I have in the evening.
(aside)
My duty is to save him -- without disturbing his calm.

COQUENARD
(aside)
Let's respect his serenity.

JUPIN
(standing boldly before him)
Well?

COQUENARD
(doing likewise)
Eh! Eh! What!

JUPIN
Do you know that your cousin, Bouillancour is a charming cavalier --

COQUENARD
(aside)
He's putting me on the track.

JUPIN
I am sure if this daredevil goes to La Rochelle he will perform prodigies of valor.

COQUENARD
He'll do it --

JUPIN
Unfortunately he's lacking something for that.

COQUENARD
Nothing --

JUPIN
Yes, indeed -- he lacks an outfit.

COQUENARD
Really --

JUPIN
He's no outfitted -- my wife assures me of it --
COQUENARD
And you think if he had -- that paraphernalia he would leave?

JUPIN
Incontinently --

COQUENARD
(aside)
I have an idea. I've found an idea without leaving.

JUPIN
Eh! By Jove -- you really ought as a relative -- to make him that gift --

COQUENARD
(aside)
Huh? What's he mean -- ? Does this concern me?
(aloud)
Just as we met -- I was going to give you the same advice.

JUPIN
For goodness sake! As if this were my affair!
(rapping him on the chest)
What the devil -- you are rich.

COQUENARD
Rich, rich -- it seems to me that furriers do very well.

JUPIN
Look -- give him -- wait -- nothing but the uniform --

COQUENARD
If you absolutely wish it -- it will be only to please you -- and int hat case -- you at least will furnish him with the horse.
(aside)
For you're the one who's in peril.

JUPIN
(hesitating)
The horse -- the -- I won't hide from you that the horse inconveniences me at the moment -- but I will impose that expense on myself to do a service to a friend.
(insisting)

JUPIN (continued)
Only for that! For in the end --
(looking at him)

COQUENARD
(looking at Jupin)
And I, too.

JUPIN
(the same)
Listen them --

COQUENARD
(sweetly insinuating)
For in the end my poor friend -- you ought to give him everything.

JUPIN
(getting angry)
I ought to give him -- nothing!

COQUENARD
Ah! You take it like that! Well! Let him stay in Paris.

JUPIN
Where he's implanted.

COQUENARD
Where he's encrusted.

JUPIN
What's that to me?

COQUENARD
That's not my lookout.

JUPIN
Indeed.

COQUENARD
No -- it's you.

JUPIN
No -- it's you.

JUPIN and COQUENARD
(together)
Here! Here!
(they gave each other a letter from their pocket)

JUPIN
God!

COQUENARD
Heaven!

JUPIN
Philomela!

COQUENARD
Ursula!

JUPIN
The same rendezvous.

COQUENARD
The same flower pot.

JUPIN
(running)
I'm giving him the horse.

COQUENARD
I'm giving the uniform.

JUPIN
I give all.

COQUENARD
I give the rest --

TOGETHER
(singing)
Terrifying musketeer!
He's making war on me.
He must take all.
By jove -- to get run out of Paris.
(they rush to the back, arguing as to who shall leave first -- they leave switching hats)

URSULA
(entering from the left and looking)
Ms. Coquenard is no longer here --
(with satisfaction)
Ah, he's gone to his friend, Jupin's with that abominable letter, and he's saving him from danger -- which threatens his wife -- what a scare I had -- for Madame Philomela -- luckily I was here to protect her.
(suddenly)
I am going to spend the evening at her place -- and it's despite all he dares to come -- I will see him --
(excitedly)
Yes, let's take my cape -- my veil --
(she heads toward the right where her cape is placed on a chair)

PORTHOS
(in a low voice entering hurriedly from the back -- while she looks dressed up and heads toward the window a little surprised)
By Jupiter the flower pot is on the ledge of the transept -- each letter went to its address.

URSULA
(turning)
Him!

PORTHOS
Her!

URSULA
It's really you.

PORTHOS
I think the answer is yes.

URSULA
Who told you to come?

PORTHOS
Who? The flower pot.

URSULA
I don't understand.

PORTHOS
Well -- well -- as for me I understand -- that suffices for us.

URSULA
It's Mr. Coquenard who placed that flower.

PORTHOS
(laughing)
Himself? She had it put there by her husband -- indeed, that serves him right.

URSULA
(calling)
Biquet! Biquet!

PORTHOS
What are you doing? What's that signifying?

URSULA
That signifies that the Rue Brise-Miche is too near the Rue Ours -- it signifies that you will leave for La Rochelle.
(pointing to Biquet who enters from the rear carrying a complete uniform)
For here is your outfit.

PORTHOS
(joyfully)
God's blood -- a complete outfit! I only lack a horse.

(Biquet leaves by the left.)

URSULA
It's in the courtyard -- look.

PORTHOS
(looking out the window)
A magnificent Norman! And I owe it to you --
(aside)
I've got my outfit.

PHILOMELA
(rushing in from the back -- seeing them in the distance next to each other)
I got here in time.

PORTHOS
(with affection)
Eh -- well no Ursula -- now that I love, that I am loved -- it is impossible for me to leave Paris.

PHILOMELA
You ar mistaken, Mr. Musketeer.

URSULA
Philomela!

PORTHOS
The fur lady.

PHILOMELA
Fine -- nothing will prevent you any longer from going to the siege at La Rochelle -- for here's your outfit.
(a valet comes forward bearing the outfit of a musketeer, places it on a seat then leases by the back)

PORTHOS
A second uniform!

URSULA
(aside)
She, too!

PHILOMELA
And your horse is in the courtyard.

PORTHOS
(looking through the window)
A second norman -- two outfits and two horses.

PHILOMELA
(aside)
She, too.

PORTHOS
But I cannot yet leave Paris without --

(Coquenard and Jupin rush in from the back.)

COQUENARD
(solemnly)
You can Bouillancour.
(Jupin pushes in a valet with a box)
For here's your outfit --

PORTHOS
A third uniform.

COQUENARD
And your horse in the Court.

PORTHOS
(looking)
A third Normand.
(to himself)
Come, I would really be wrong if I delay going.

BIQUET
(running in from the back)
Mr. Pathos -- Mr. Pathos.

PORTHOS
Pathos -- animal!

BIQUET
Two big devils just entered the courtyard shouting that they had seen you enter here and that their names are Pathos and Damis.

PORTHOS
Athos and Aramis. Yes, there they are and both without outfits. They left by the window -- as for me, God's blood! I will leave by the door -- and all 3 of us will go to the siege of La Rochelle. Eh! Athos! Aramis -- here are two uniforms -- hold out your arms --
(he tosses 2 musketeer outfits out the window)
And two good Norman horses offering their backs to you -- in saddle my warriors.

TWO VOICES
(outside)
Long live Porthos.

PORTHOS
(to Philomela)
After the siege of La Rochelle, all beautiful, I will return to Rue Ours -- to give you my custom --

JUPIN
(aside)
I'll sell my land.

PORTHOS
(to Ursula)
And you, Ursula, will you sometimes think of your cousin Bouillancour.

URSULA
Never, sir -- but I will pray everyday for him.

PORTHOS
Master Coquenard, enrich yourself make your fortune -- that will please me.
(low)
I promise to marry your widow.

COQUENARD
I won't lend myself to that!

FINAL CHORUS
The Handsome Musketeer
Go against our enemies at La Rochelle
Go to make war
Which they used to do --
-- with husbands.

(Porthos steps forward to kiss the hands of Ursula and Philomela -- but Coquenard and Jupin push their wives back and take their place -- bowing low to the ground -- before the musketeers who laughing blows kisses to the two women over the heads of their husbands.)

TABLEAU

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